Well, we’ve finally reached the end of Tales, and this will be the last post. I haven’t reached the end of my journey – at times the end feels further away than ever – but I do need to stop writing. Or at least stop writing about my journey publicly.
Part of the reasoning is linked to my previous post – that in realising I can talk to my friends about how I feel directly, the need to write the blog has diminished. It has become a mask I suppose I don’t really need. Another part is that the things that are likely to occupy my mental space (and therefore the things I’ll want to write about) are things that I shouldn’t. Stuff around the divorce, for instance, which really needs to stay offline and out of the public demesne.
Another reason for doing this is that I’ve started to understand the impact that what I write has had on people reading the blog. I write in a stream of consciousness and try to express how I’m feeling at any given moment as honestly and as openly as I can. But I tend to leave it at that – I don’t put any context in around the feelings that are accompanying the words, and therefore the words (left starkly on the computer screen) can be left open to interpretation. Recently, I’ve understood that there are feelings being associated with the words I’ve been using that haven’t been there when I’ve written them because I haven’t expressed myself clearly enough to get someone who isn’t inside my head to understand what and why I’ve written something.
And there are, of course, things that I’ve written that probably shouldn’t be in the public demesne. The way that I have forensically examined a past relationship to better understand my feelings or emotional responses to particular situations has probably been unfair on the individual concerned (and indeed other people), and has not been particularly thoughtful or considerate. But I haven’t been either of those things intentionally. I’ve never intentionally used this blog to express anger at anyone, or snipe at anyone or hurt anyone. But it appears that, at times, this is how it has been interpreted – and it makes me sad to think that my words have had that impact.
And so it must stop. I can’t – won’t – write a blog that can be interpreted in that way. The closer people are to me the more of the darker side to me they see – the frustration (mainly at myself and my ineptitude), the childish need for attention, the need to get my own way and if I don’t then the sarcasm and harshness. They get to see more of this because they are as much part of me as all the lovely positive things people have written about me. But it does add more depth to the way that my words, especially here, can be interpreted. Even now, I believe that some people will read this and come to the conclusion that I’m just throwing my toys out of my pram to get more attention. I’m not – I’ve just recognised that blogging is perhaps not the best medium through which to continue my journey.
And there we have it. Thank you very much for reading – knowing that you’ve been reading my blog has been a huge help and I have felt comforted and quite humbled by the number of people who have read it. And I’m sorry to those that I have unintentionally offended or hurt through this blog.